building a stronger sense of self

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know when I’m hungry. I don’t know, what do you think? I’m not bothered, what do you want to watch? I struggle to make decisions. I can’t trust myself. Should I leave or stay? What is my purpose? But I’m not good at anything. But what will people think.

Have you lost touch with your inner knowing, your intuition and gut instinct? Do people keep telling you to follow your heart and trust your gut but you just feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of this, because, well because you're thinking lots of thoughts so you’re not in your body you’re in your head. It’s super noisy up there with so many layers of programs, beliefs, personalities, identities, books you’ve read, things you’ve been told, structures, attachments and fears of letting it all go. No wonder we can’t hear or feel our internal our internal cues, our bodies messages of what we really want and need, what we like and don’t like, what serves us and what doesn’t.

How many times have you said Yes, when you meant No? And then you feel guilty, ashamed, resentful, confused, attacked or hurt?

Do you offer to do things without thinking or say yes to everything and then cancel because you don’t have time? This leads to you feeling guilty, worrying you let someone down, worrying you’ve hurt someone's feelings, or they won’t like you anymore.

In this document we’re going to delve into some of the layers of why we feel we don’t know who we are any more, why we seek others approval and support. Why we put others needs or feelings before our own. Why we take responsibility for others thoughts, feelings and reactions towards us. Why we seek others validation and why we’re seeking externally for the answers to the point of relinquishing control of our body and mind over to someone else, a group, a fashion, a religion, a cult or an ideology of some sort rather than listening to our own innate wisdom. We will also be looking at the low self-worth we can feel, lack of self-love and self-care, how and where this began, and how we can build it back up or remember what we once knew, that we are infinitely powerful beings, worthy of living an experience like heaven on earth full of love, bliss and abundance. We are all powerful, creators, master manifesting beings, with limitless potential, value and gifts to share. There will be practices guiding you back to a deeper connection to your inner self and intuition, to begin to trust yourself and know what you want and need in any moment, for you. There are practices to learn about your current belief systems and how they could be holding you back. The way you might be holding responsibility for others, or them for you which again could be keeping you stuck and not allowing you to fulfil your own desires and potential. There will be practices around knowing and creating clear boundaries, creating a strong sense of self and living authentically.

Each one of us is a complete individual with its own unique way of experiencing life and expressing themselves. Yes, we are all connected and have the universal consciousness running through us, but we each have our own purpose and lessons to learn, to create an energetic imprint and memory leading to more expansion for the collective consciousness. Imagine it’s as if we each sign a soul contract before we enter this physical realm and our internal compass guides us to help us know if we’re in alignment with or not. We each have a different internal compass that tells us what we like, what we don’t like. What we want and what we don’t want. When we are finely tuned in, we will make decisions that take us closer to our mission, to our life's purpose, towards expansion. It’s not that we should always expect to feel euphoric or full of joy, some of our lessons will be painful and still be exactly what we were meant to experience as part of that soul contract, but we can create a heaven on earth experience filled with bliss when we become more conscious and self realised, acting from our feelings, and knowing what “want” feels like to us, and what “don’t want” feels like rather than acting from a system that we were taught.

Over time we can become conditioned and programmed by the culture, society and parental home we’re born into to believe we must think, feel and act in a certain way to be a good citizen, to be a good little girl or boy. We’re taught through education, beliefs, systems and structures the way to be and that if we go against that then we will be punished, rejected, not accepted and cast out as a reject. This takes us further away from listening to our internal compass and takes us out of alignment with our higher self and its guidance. It can create a lot of suffering and a life lived incongruently with thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It can lead to a beautiful creative dancer becoming an office worker because she was told that was more secure and stable. It can lead to people staying in unhealthy relationships because we’re taught “until death do us part”, when the truth is we are all connected always, in this life and the after and no one has to stay in a situation that is toxic. Beliefs such as “respect your elders”, “no success without qualifications”, “trust me, I’m a doctor” all keeping us stuck and not trusting ourselves. We’ve been taught to look outside of ourselves to feel powerful. Seeking from authority figures that stops us even asking any questions internally, we have trusted others for too long, felt the burden and the repression of listening to others and not ourselves. It’s time to go inside, and then another layer deeper. When we go within, we stop searching and finally find.

Our collective consciousness is always evolving and if we’ve been running from programs that were written by people whose consciousness wasn't fully evolved, it creates a great dysfunction and dis-ease. We’ve seen many old parenting techniques, the belt, the naughty corner, ignore their “bad behaviour”, praise the “good”, do as your told, because I’m the parent, finish what’s on your plate, if you’ve nothing nice to say don’t say nothing at all.  But we know better now that these methods were damaging and would cause a great fragmentation process in a child's psyche and create an effect called “Gas Lighting” leading to a lack of sense of self, self-harm, self-punishment because we were taught parts of us were to be punished, “split personality disorder”, a lack of clear boundaries, rejecting parts of self and getting to the point where we don’t feel we are worthy of love or care. It’s not that this process was wrong or right either, it was just a natural part of evolution and our parents, and our parents were doing the best they could, with the information and tools they had, and all dealing with their own traumas, great suffering and insecurities. There’s no blame or judgement here, just looking, seeing truth, observing, learning, growing and evolving.

GAS LIGHTING (sense of self)

Gas lighting is when someone has their reality questioned, distorted or compromised. This can begin to happen at an incredibly early age or in controlling, toxic relationships in adult hood. It can also happen on a bigger scale through societal controlling powers. When a child feels angry about something, they might be told they are wrong for expressing that emotion, and then told to wait in their room alone until they’re ready to apologise for that part of their being and behaviour. It could be that the child doesn’t feel hungry, but the parent says, “you are hungry now finish your dinner”. It could be that the child wants to wear red, but they are forced to wear the blue jumper because that’s the one that was chosen for them on that day. It could be that you were told Father Christmas existed, and then find out is wasn’t real after all. Another example could be a depressed parent that would always smile and say “I’m fine”, but the intuitive and channeled child knew better, they could feel the sadness but their experience of reality was then denied, leaving them confused, doubting their inner voice and repressing that part of them. A child that expresses anger, and then that feeling is invalidated and so the child creates a false self, a self that is always happy and grateful. A child that doesn’t speak up when they feel wronged because it’s better to be polite and liked. It could be a relationship where the partner is cheating, and there is a deep knowing that something is wrong, but each time the person asks, they are told “you are paranoid, you are crazy”. This makes the person feel like they are losing their mind and losing their grip on reality. Terrifying. Instead of listening to the gut instincts we just convince ourselves to believe the other person, because we’re scared of the reality we must face if it’s true, which might be we have to leave and then be alone. Gas lighting creates a lack of sense of self leaving us seeking a mirror to find somewhere to fit in, to feel connected and like we are of value. This could be by entering the bodybuilding or fitness world, becoming a “something” so you feel stable, like you know who and what you are. It could be an external display of achievement or strength through career, identity, physical form, facial enhancements etc.… that has been created, layered over their core essence and that they are now attached to, but this is an identity that was created through a fear of being rejected or abandoned, through programing and mind control rather than from an empowered and whole place, from a place of knowing the truth, that we are all worthy of all the joys, love and bliss this world has to offer. You are worth it. You are deserving. It could be that you attach to a partner and just become whatever you need to be to fit their world, their idea of a perfect partner, Shape shifting. Laughing at things you don’t find funny, changing your fashion style, dropping your hobbies to join them with theirs, changing the types of food you eat, going to watch live music that you can’t stand. You might notice there is this pattern of becoming like a boyfriend or a friend, but it could change from year to year depending on who you feel serves your need to not feel alone, not be abandoned or rejected. It could depend on who you feel creates the most safety or security for you, because a deep belief lays in you that your authentic self is worthless and powerless. You may even be an actor/actress, having the skills to pick up whatever is around you like accents, peoples quirks and ways of being, but not feeling clear about who your authentic self is? Often people will have an identity and personality You have a right to be here, and stand strong in your space.

It can feel completely destabilizing to start looking at the reality of this, and then feeling even further away from knowing who you are because these masks kept you safe and afloat for so long. Just know that it is within you always, it’s not about searching for it, it’s about slowly taking off the layers to uncover what is within, and always has been.

BOUNDARIES

Poor boundaries, why and how does this impact you? How do we assert our boundaries?

There could be several reasons we didn’t form a clear sense of self and so found it hard to know what our boundaries were, and how to assert them.  If we have a deeper fear of being abandoned or rejected, or that people are dangerous and can’t be trusted the place we make our decisions from can be blurred. We may have learned that it was safer to stay quiet and allow our boundaries to be overstepped, that the pain and discomfort of being spoken to, touched or controlled was a safer option than confronting it. It could be that we have overstepped our boundaries so many times that we really don’t know what our boundaries are anymore. It’s ok, we can start to listen and tune into the body and its signals, starting today, and get to know ourselves again. Having poor boundaries can lead to so us getting into situations where we feel abused, used, unappreciated, like other people are selfish, exhausted and like drama lives on our doorstep. It can lead to doing things we don’t want to do from something small like staying in a night club for an hour longer than we felt comfortable with, to having sex with someone when we really didn’t want to.

You may have learned it was dangerous to show your authentic self, that you felt rejected at some point as a child when you were expressing yourself authentically, maybe you were punished and so you learned it was a good idea to sacrifice your own boundaries, repress those feelings and go along with whatever kept you safe, which likely would have been the need to stay connected to your care giver. It might be that you were abused as a child, but to speak up would have meant losing the connection with the person abusing you, who was also your sole care giver, or you feared what would happen if you spoke up, and so the boundaries were over stepped, and that was to be the sacrifice. It could be that you learned you weren’t worthy of love or that you didn’t have anything of worth or value, so you always feel like a fraud now. This then leads to an over giving, people pleasing, over achieving to hopefully be seen as valuable and loveable even if it is exhausting and leaves you feeling resentful that you don’t get the same attention and care back. You could be the friend that always goes the extra mile, buys lovely birthday presents for everyone but never receives anything back or any acknowledgement for what you do.

We’ve already discussed Gas lighting, and a little about our survival mechanisms. As children was are relationally reliant for our survival. This is what creates the choice between going against our primary care givers when we feel gas lit, or that our boundaries are over stepped, or we submit, suppress and reject our truth to stay safe, connected and to survive. It’s not even a choice, it’s an unconscious act and this pattern is what leads us to the point in adult life where we say “I am so confused, I don’t know who I am, what I want, what I need”. Or we are in a situation where we are pointing our fingers at everyone around us, blaming our friends, our family and partners for not listening to us, not acknowledging how much we do, not giving us what we need. We feel exhausted, over worked, unappreciated, deceived, lied to, not cared for, controlled, manipulated. We end up having sexual interactions with people we don’t want to, allowing physical contact that makes us feel uncomfortable. We give our bodies as a way of getting connection, love, validation or just as an act of some duty even though our body is screaming, no, no, no. We always end up in the middle of drama because we get too involved, and try to fix everything, become the fixer and the carer putting all of our energy into others and none into ourselves. This it is because we didn’t have a clear mirror to allow us the explore and assert our boundaries, we didn’t get a chance to see who we were because we had to become something to stay safe or fit in. We were told no that is wrong, when in our heart it felt right for us. We can then go into that detached and disassociated mode. Not speaking up to express what you want to say and then going away replaying out the scenario and saying all of the things you wish you’d said. Saying sorry when you know you didn’t do anything. Going against your own values and integrity to please others. Going along with other beliefs to be accepted. Not calling out someone that mistreats you. Allowing yourself to be distracted to accommodate others. Over giving so that you appear useful. Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in relationships. These are all examples of things you might experience if you’ve not developed clear boundaries.

We may put other people's needs first, we don’t know ourselves, we don’t feel we have rights, we believe setting boundaries jeopardises our relationships, so if we tell a friend we aren’t happy with something they said, we fear they will be angry and fall out with us. We’ve lived lives where our own personal truth was invalidated, sending us a little crazy and so beginning to lose trust in ourselves. We were told what we saw, felt, heard and experienced wasn't the truth. We then went against our internal knowing and so experienced self-betrayal. We become convinced the mask is who we really are. The kind, caring, polite, quiet and ALWAYS positive person is who we think we are. To have real intimacy with someone you must let go of the mask. We might want someone that really understands what we feel, when we don’t know what we feel ourselves so we will often have experiences that mirror our inner lack. We will experience interactions where people don’t value us, don’t see us at a soul level because this is what we are doing to ourselves. We tend to only listen to our inner voice when it doesn’t cause trouble for anyone, so we will feel a nervous feeling in our tummy over something, but feel it’s better to ignore it if speaking up risks someone feeling angry, hurt or uncomfortable. We don’t realise we are causing the difficulty that we are experiencing. Not being seen, heard, understood, appreciated. We can then completely lose ourselves in our relationships, just living a life of dodging anything uncomfortable, changing ourselves to suit any given moment to keep the peace, submitting completely to others desires and needs regardless of what we really want and need, and our right to be here and have those needs met too. A boundary isn’t about resisting what you don’t want and pushing against other people and their behaviours. Healthy boundaries aren’t about controlling what other people do. It's a state of integrity and self-love, having a healthy sense of self and then living by those feelings.

BACK INTO YOUR BODY

We can get out of our body for many reasons. Often as children if we experience something that feels dangerous or painful within the body we begin to detach and disassociate. Our body can then learn that it’s not safe to be in the body and so we start to live in a dream world, in our head or in our imagination. It doesn’t have to be a physical pain that we experienced, it could be witnessing arguments, hearing loud shouting, feeling anxious or uncertain. It could also be related to physical and sexual abuse. In all scenarios it is just the bodies survival and protection mechanism, it was there to serve you and keep you safe. As we get into adulthood, we have the tools now to rewire our nervous system, become more grounded and let our bodies know it’s safe now, we aren't in chronic danger which is what our system is playing out, and keeping us stuck. If you find it hard to feel anything, you go numb, or you experience a lot of your life up in your head you might benefit from learning how to ground and get into your body. If you feel overwhelmed with thoughts, mentally exhausted or in daydream mode. If you have certain physical interactions and you don’t feel present, it might be whilst having sex and you notice you always go into another world, just so you don’t have to feel it. You might be someone that seems drawn to very physical experiences like dancing, or some in a more destructive way, such as an extremely challenging sport like bodybuilding or boxing, or even self-harm like cutting. It could be that you’re drawn to state changers like drugs or alcohol to feel something, or to numb out the busyness the mind is creating. There can be many manifestations from experiencing this kind of detachment and disassociation from the body.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A JOURNEY WITH ROSIES EXPERTISE & SUPPORT TO CULTIVATE A STRONGER SENSE OF SELF?